3rd April 2019 - Looking for a coping mechanism

So how did I go through a whole week waiting for the day when I would finally find out whether my death was imminent or not? Short answer is: not easily!

I desperately needed a coping mechanism and I wondered if I could apply the one I used to deal with work pressure.

As explained in the chapter on “my life before”, I am an economic consultant specialising primarily in big mergers and acquisitions. The most stressful part of my job comes at the end of each project, when our conclusions have to be defended before the European Commission during an oral hearing that typically lasts a day or two.

These hearings can be quite intimidating due to the number of people present (often in excess of 60-80) and the fact that questions and/or observations that may potentially undermine my position can come at any time from multiple directions.

I used to get quite anxious during the run-up to these events due to the uncertainty about the outcome, and more importantly, about the perceived consequences that a poor performance could have on my career.

In the earlier years of my career, my perception was that a bad performance would likely prevent me from getting more opportunities in the future and that a good performance would significantly boost my profile. In short, I perceived a huge difference between the consequences of a good and a bad outcome and this affected both my ability to rest properly the night before the hearing and my performance at the actual event.

In recent years, however, my ability to cope with these things had hugely improved. And this is because, prior to any critical work event (e.g. a hearing or an important public speaking engagement), I started asking myself questions such as the following ones:

“If it goes badly, would that really be a major setback for my career?”

“How likely it is that it will go so badly anyway?”

“And if it all goes very well, will that significantly boost my self-esteem and my future career prospects?”

Pushing myself to think really hard about these questions, I invariably came up with the same answers: first, on the basis of prior experience, it is unlikely that things would work out very badly. The most likely worst case scenario was a mediocre performance rather than a total disaster. Such a mediocre performance would be unlikely to have a very negative effect on my career prospects and, similarly, a particularly good performance would be unlikely to change how I felt about myself (certainly not in a lasting way) or my prospects of success going forward.

In short, by significantly narrowing the gap between the perceived consequences of a good and a bad performance, the uncertainty about how things would work out in practice became much more bearable, with very positive repercussions on my stress levels and my ability to sleep well the night before.

Now, the question I repeatedly asked myself during the week before the scans was whether I could rely on similar mechanisms to cope with the uncertainty about the results those scans would ultimately deliver.

In particular, I started asking myself questions like:

“If the results show that I only have a few months left to live, would that really be a disaster?”

Clearly, if I could come to the conclusion that the possibility of an imminent death would not be so disastrous, that would surely help me to better cope with the uncertainty on the outcome of the scans.

And there were a few reasons I could credibly give myself pointing to this conclusion. Reflecting on my life so far, I could relatively easily convince myself that I did not have any major regrets. I have had the good fortune to live, study and work in different places, getting to know many amazing people, marrying Jane with whom I have had three special children, and I have done quite a lot of travelling around the world too. Even if my life were to be cut short abruptly, I could just about persuade myself that it had been a full life after all.

Furthermore, I did not feel that what happened to me was in any way unfair. There are almost 8 billion people on this planet and, unfortunately, a large percentage of these cannot realistically hope to leave healthily until their eighties. So the sense of entitlement to live a long and healthy life that many if not most people have on our side of the world is the exception rather than the rule.

But even within our side of the world, there is absolutely no guarantee that such expectation will be fulfilled. Young people die of accidents and illnesses all the time – the death of my two year old niece and brother in law were painful reminders of this. “Why do these horrible things always have to happen to other people?” I asked myself and “This time it is your turn Andrea and you just need to accept it and get on with it” was my answer.

However, as soon as I started to think that my attempted coping mechanism (i.e. convincing myself that an imminent death would not be such a terrible scenario) could just about work, it all immediately crashed down as soon as I started to think about the family and the children in particular.

My three boys are still relatively young and will be living at home for quite a number of years relying on their parents for emotional support and guidance. I have always given priority to the kids and have always spent a lot of time playing and doing homework with them, only partly out of a feeling of duty. The reality is that it has always been a lot fun and an absolute pleasure to take care of them.

If I were to die soon, the trauma experienced by Thomas, Alberto and Giorgio would undoubtedly be huge given the strength of the relationship we have. Jane is an amazing mother and would no doubt step up to cover the gap left by me, but it would not be the same. Like it would not be the same if what happened to me had occurred to her and I was the one left to take care of the boys. Jane and I have always complemented each other and I didn’t think that either of us could fully replace the other.

So, in the end I reached the conclusion that my envisaged coping mechanism, inspired by my experience with work related stress and uncertainty, could not help me in dealing with the uncertainty about the forthcoming scans and more generally the uncertainty about my future. I would need to work out something else instead and continue to struggle along in the meantime.