May 2019 - New coping mechanisms thanks to Vialli!

Despite the recent favourable developments, I still found it very difficult to deal with the uncertainty about the future, in particular during the days immediately preceding my scans or tumour marker tests.

Specifically, I could not stop myself from envisaging wildly different scenarios, ranging from a scan helpfully showing a further significant shrinkage of the tumour to a scan pointing to a substantial clinical deterioration (despite the recent large falls in the tumour marker).

And once a thought entered my brain, in particular a negative one, I found it virtually impossible to stop myself from analysing over and over the implications and the challenges I would need to face, and from building entire stories in my mind that would ultimately take me nowhere.

The previously discussed coping mechanisms I relied on to manage work stress (i.e. picturing the worst case scenario and concluding that I could easily live with it) were of no use when it came to dealing with my illness for the simple reason that my mind faced no apparent limits in picturing how bad the worst possible outcome could turn out to be for me and, indirectly, for the rest of the family.

My wife and I made an appointment with a psychologist to see if we could get some helpful recommendations on coping mechanisms but we did not find the session very inspiring. Unhelpfully, we also received some (not particularly veiled) criticisms regarding the way we had chosen to communicate the illness to our children, i.e. without disclosing the nature and gravity of the cancer, and giving them what looked like false hopes regarding my recovery. The psychologist went on to claim that it is definitely possible for children to enjoy happy moments even when they are aware that their dad may die in a matter of months. And she added that not disclosing the truth may lead to resentment and regret at a later stage.

Jane and I were surprised by the boldness of the advice we were receiving and, whilst we thought that it may well be appropriate in many cases, we left unconvinced that it was the right one for us. My intention, shared by Jane, was to continue to insulate the children from the horrible truth until it would become clear that my end was in sight. After only a couple of sessions, which we found painful and emotionally draining, we decided to put an end to our consultations with the psychologist.

Despite giving up on the psychologist support, I remained keen to resolve or at least alleviate the mental difficulties I faced in dealing with uncertainty about the future in general and my forthcoming tests and scans in particular.

Unexpectedly, the help on how to try to address these issues did not come from another psychologist – it came instead from football legend Gianluca Vialli.

Vialli was one of the most prominent figures in Italian football in the 1980s and 1990s, winning several trophies with Sampdoria and Juventus, playing for the Italian national team during two World Cups and scoring a ridiculously large number of goals (he is the tenth-highest scoring Italian player in all competitions). He also enjoyed a successful career in England, in particular as a player-manager for Chelsea in the late nineties.

I have never supported any of his teams (we are big Inter Milan fans in our family), but Vialli was one of those very few players that was liked by everyone due to his intelligence, respect for his opponents and sense of humour. Indeed, once he stopped playing he became a very successful football commentator for Sky Italia (despite the fact that he continued to live in London) and both my three children and I always enjoyed listening to him during the post-match debates that followed Serie A and Champions League matches.

Unfortunately, Gianluca developed pancreatic cancer at the end of 2017. After undergoing surgery and chemotherapy for several months, he published a book, titled “Goals”. In that book he sets out 99 motivational quotes, each of which is followed by an inspirational sport related story, explaining how motivation and perseverance are necessary conditions to achieve any objective in life.

The last chapter is autobiographical – in that chapter Vialli captures within just a few pages, the shock of the diagnosis, the way he chose to communicate it to his family and friends, the treatments he underwent and how the illness positively contributed to his overall approach to life. It is a beautiful yet very painful story to read. And a great source of encouragement for people that find themselves in the same situation.

Indeed, I found Gianluca’s story so inspirational that I started to wonder whether I should get in touch with him to see whether I could get more out of his experience. And so I decided to send him an email.

I started my email by briefly describing my situation and congratulating Gianluca on his book. I then went on to ask for his help to find strategies to deal and cope with the illness. I have never tried to get in touch with famous people and I certainly did not expect a response – this was just one further example of my overall approach to the illness of leaving no stones unturned.

To my surprise Gianluca did reply with an email that was full of encouragement. Encouragement to never give up, to believe in the therapies recommended by my oncologist, and, crucially, to devote time and energy to the mental aspects of the illness.

He also sent me links to a few books that pointed to the beneficial aspects of engaging in daily practices such as meditation and the expression of gratitude. And since we both live in London, after a few email exchanges we started to meet up periodically for breakfast to discuss these issues in person.

The books suggested by Gianluca opened up a completely new horizon to me and, since then I have read a lot more on these subjects, finally finding in meditation and gratitude-awareness the coping mechanisms I had desperately been looking for since the moment of diagnosis. I will discuss how these mechanisms have actually helped me in the next blogs.