May 2019 - The importance of practising gratitude

According to the Buddhist philosophy, craving is one of the key sources of people’s unhappiness and suffering. The idea is that, whatever quality of life we have in terms of relationships and physical possessions, we are never fully satisfied. This is because it is in our very nature to constantly compare ourselves to others and, by doing so, we systematically find things that are lacking in our life, generating a desire to have more. More money, more power, a bigger house, a better relationship, etc.

I guess it is indeed the case that most people (if not everyone) experience, at least to some extent, one or more of these forms of craving. Throughout my life, however, I can honestly say that I have had the fortune of suffering very little in this respect. Indeed, I distinctly recall many occasions when I explicitly pointed out to Jane and the children how lucky we were to have each other, our friends, to live in a nice place and to be able to take great holidays. And I remember stressing that we should be appreciative and grateful for this.

However, my positive attitude towards life dramatically changed with my diagnosis. As already described, I did not feel that what happened to me was somehow unfair nor did I experience any feelings of anger. But I did feel immensely sad due to all the areas of my life that had suddenly disappeared and the high likelihood that my life would end soon.

In short, I started experiencing craving with an intensity that I had not perceived before. It was not craving caused by comparing my situation to that of other (healthy) people – it was craving caused by comparing my new situation to the life I had before the cancer diagnosis. In a way I started feeling envy towards my previous self and I certainly did not feel grateful for any of the aspects of life I still had.

This is another area where a number of books written by famous psychologists (see for example, “Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier” and “The Little Book of Gratitude: Create a life of happiness and wellbeing by giving thanks” by Robert A. Emmons - see and the already mentioned meditation app proved to be very helpful by clearly explaining how practicing gratitude can be used to live a happier life and, crucially, as a powerful antidote to craving.

The idea here is that our brain is not hardwired but it is capable of reshaping itself as a result of our experiences and, importantly, our thought processes. This ability of the brain to reorganize itself is called neuroplasticity.

And to reshape our brain in a way that keeps craving under control, we are supposedly meant, each day, to think of one or more areas of our life that we appreciate and are grateful for. This should be possible even for people that are ill and, as a result, unable to enjoy a life with no physical constraints.

By pushing ourselves to engage in positive thoughts every day, it should over time become increasingly easier for the mind to generate such thoughts independently and effortlessly.

To my surprise, as soon as I started to engage in this daily practice, I found it very easy to come up with things I should be grateful for. For example, I could think about the incredible emotional support received from my family and friends after diagnosis, the support received from my colleagues at work, the many dinners I have been able to enjoy with friends despite my illness, the Inter Milan matches I have been able to watch with the kids, the many walks in Regents park with Jane, the sessions in the gym with my trainer Josh, the football games played with the children, etc.

In my experience, the last example best illustrates how practicing gratitude can change our perspective on things. As noted in the chapter on my life before diagnosis, I have always played a lot of football with the children – and football is undoubtedly one of the reasons why we have a particularly close relationship.

Unfortunately, due to my illness and the neuropathy caused by chemotherapy, I am no longer able to play proper matches with them, which is one of the things I have been missing the most and, as a result, one big source of craving and suffering.

However, by engaging in the daily routine of practicing gratitude, I soon came up with the thought that, despite my inability to play proper matches, kicking the ball around with the children is still one of the main sources of pleasure I experience these days. In short, I was able to switch my mind away from the craving of what I was able to do before getting ill to a feeling of gratitude for what I am still able to do.

Over time, I have found it increasingly easier to focus my mind on positive thoughts, so I can say that, like meditation, practicing gratitude has worked well for me. Of course, I cannot be sure that it will continue to work should my situation suddenly deteriorate and, like meditation, I can certainly not claim that this technique is likely to work for other people. But on the basis of my personal experience, I believe it is worth a try.